I am now 3 weeks into motherhood and i have to say... it's not everything I thought it would be. Don't get me wrong, I am loving being a mother. Most of the time I feel like this is what I was meant to do.
But there are those occasions when i find myself thinking, "Can I really do this?". Those times at 3am when he has been crying for hours and after doing everything in my power to soothe him, I just get that helpless feeling. Shouldn't I have a magic mommy touch or something? I am discovering that maybe I romanticized these first weeks of motherhood while I was pregnant. I can honestly say, it's harder than what I thought it would be.
And the hardest part about being a mother now is not taking care of him...but taking care of me. By the time i'm done changing, feeding, burping, and rocking him to sleep, I am exhausted! And the fact that i know i will have to do it all over again in less than 2 hours, doesn't encourage me to do anything for myself except sleep! Never mind what my hair and clothes look like. Just finding time and encouragement to do the basic things like eating, showering and brushing my teeth is difficult. Whenever I am up and I have a short break, I just want to do something fun like go online or watch a movie. I don't want to spend an hour in front of the mirror putting on makeup or fixing my hair. Fashion and beauty just isn't as important right now as sleeping and saving my sanity. So, needless to say, I have completely neglected myself these past few weeks.
But I hear that's normal too...
I have been breastfeeding on demand so I have to learn what his schedule is. Once I figure that out and he gets old enough to start being entertained by toys, I will be making it a point to make more time for my self. I can't be stuck in this rut of neglecting mommy forever or it will lead to other problems. It is important for me to start learning how to take care of myself so I can begin to gain more self confidence. I was neglecting myself long before baby got here and I can't use him as an excuse forever.
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Friday, March 25, 2011
My Birth Story
It's been 3 crazy weeks since my baby boy was born and i have been busy busy busy getting into the swing of mommyhood. I wanted to post my birth story sooner but better late than never :)
So I had been having some cramping since i woke up early in the morning (march 3rd) and i felt super uncomfortable....but no consistent contractions. Just the normal BH every once in a while. I really didn't think it was labor. Just me in more discomfort.
I had my midwife appointment at 2:30pm and I told her about the cramping. When she checked me, i was 3-4cm and 75 percent effaced. I also had a little bit of a bloody show after she checked me. She said that she thought it could be early labor and i should just watch it. His head was too low for her to strip the membranes but she said she didn't think i needed it anyway. After i was checked, i started having contractions about 2-4 mins apart. Some were piggy back contractions that came every minute and they got more and more painful. I just wanted to make sure it wasn't false labor so i stayed home till around 8 when i couldn't take the pain anymore. By that time, i had had over 100 contractions (was keeping track on my contraction appa for my iPod...very handy!).
I got to the Triage waiting room shortly after 8 and was back in triage within 10 minutes because i told them the pain was an 7 out of 10. I met the doula and my midwife there and was monitored for contractions and checked again. I was 90 percent effaced, 0 station, and only 4cm dilated. The midwife said that i was making a little progress, but after so long, they would have liked to see more. They said they weren't 100 percent sure they would admit me at that point. I was pretty frustrated since i couldn't imagine going home with that many contractions and that painful. But something told me that day would be the day, so i didn't loose any hope. They told me to take a walk and try to make more progress. I walked for about an hour till i just couldn't walk anymore. I was exhausted and having contractions consistently 2mins apart. The pain was about an 8 at that point. I decided to sit on the birthing ball in the lobby. i don't know how long i was on it, but it was for a while. Contractions still 2mins apart and pain at an 8.
After that, I asked to get into the jacuzzi tub that they have in triage. That was heaven! It was the best i had felt all day. The contractions slowed a little bit at first and the pain was much more manageable than when i was walking or sitting on the birthing ball. I think I was in there for about an hour and a half before the contractions picked back up again and the pain went from an 8 to a 9. After i got out, it was pure misery. I went back tot he room to get monitored again. While waiting to be hooked back up to the monitors, I was sitting on the birthing ball and I felt what seemed like a big bubble bursting. It was my water breaking . So after that the midwives let me know for sure that I was staying. That was around 12-12:30 when they finally admitted me to L&D. But i had to wait in the triage for another hour to get a room with a jacuzzi.
After my water broke, the pain went from 9 to what i would call a 10. I was in agony and in tears. I kept thinking that I made it so far without an epi and if I quit now, I wouldn't be trying. I stuck through it for another 45 mins, and then I tried to walk. I made it about 3 contractions in the hallway and I finally broke down and said," I can't take it anymore!". I told my doula I wanted an epidural. I didn't care about the jacuzzi at that point because there was NO way I was getting in it. I felt like I couldn't even walk anymore. They got me in the room about 15 minutes later and anesthesia came in promptly to give me the epidural.
I think it was a resident or someone learning who came to give me my epi because it was 2 people and one was instructing the other. I was terrified but I didn't say anything. It took her 3 attempts to put in my epidural...and 2 different times they had to numb me. It felt like it was taking an eternity for them to get it in and I actually felt the needle a couple of times. All the while, i'm having excruciating contractions 2 mins apart. I bawled loudly the whole time. I think that was the climax as far as pain goes. Once they finally got it in, I felt relief in 15 mins. That was around 2am. I was finally able to get some sleep!!
The midwife came in, woke me up at 3:15am. She checked me again and i was 8cm and his head was super low! But they also checked my pad and said they thought they saw some meconium in the water and I would not be able to do immediate kangaroo care or delayed cord cutting because he would need to be checked asap.
For an hour after that, I could feel his head moving down and the pressure in my butt. I told her I was ready to push and I was checked again. From 8 to 10cm in an hour!!!
After that, they got everything ready and I pushed for about 15 mins and my beautiful baby boy was born. He screamed like a champ! 6lbs 9oz and 19.5inches. I cried for the third time, but this time it was happy tears. I didn't expect to feel an instant connection, but i did. I couldn't stop smiling.
He checked out perfect from the pediatrician with an apgar score or 9. I finally got to hold him skin to skin after that while they sewed me up (2nd degree tear). He was already on my chest lifting his head and trying to crawl down to my breast to eat. I was impressed lol.
Even though i didn't get everthing i had planned or wanted, i got to try a majority of the pain relief techniques i wanted to (birth ball, walking, jacuzzi) and i would say my overall birthing experience was good. I don't regret anything at all
So I had been having some cramping since i woke up early in the morning (march 3rd) and i felt super uncomfortable....but no consistent contractions. Just the normal BH every once in a while. I really didn't think it was labor. Just me in more discomfort.
I had my midwife appointment at 2:30pm and I told her about the cramping. When she checked me, i was 3-4cm and 75 percent effaced. I also had a little bit of a bloody show after she checked me. She said that she thought it could be early labor and i should just watch it. His head was too low for her to strip the membranes but she said she didn't think i needed it anyway. After i was checked, i started having contractions about 2-4 mins apart. Some were piggy back contractions that came every minute and they got more and more painful. I just wanted to make sure it wasn't false labor so i stayed home till around 8 when i couldn't take the pain anymore. By that time, i had had over 100 contractions (was keeping track on my contraction appa for my iPod...very handy!).
I got to the Triage waiting room shortly after 8 and was back in triage within 10 minutes because i told them the pain was an 7 out of 10. I met the doula and my midwife there and was monitored for contractions and checked again. I was 90 percent effaced, 0 station, and only 4cm dilated. The midwife said that i was making a little progress, but after so long, they would have liked to see more. They said they weren't 100 percent sure they would admit me at that point. I was pretty frustrated since i couldn't imagine going home with that many contractions and that painful. But something told me that day would be the day, so i didn't loose any hope. They told me to take a walk and try to make more progress. I walked for about an hour till i just couldn't walk anymore. I was exhausted and having contractions consistently 2mins apart. The pain was about an 8 at that point. I decided to sit on the birthing ball in the lobby. i don't know how long i was on it, but it was for a while. Contractions still 2mins apart and pain at an 8.
After that, I asked to get into the jacuzzi tub that they have in triage. That was heaven! It was the best i had felt all day. The contractions slowed a little bit at first and the pain was much more manageable than when i was walking or sitting on the birthing ball. I think I was in there for about an hour and a half before the contractions picked back up again and the pain went from an 8 to a 9. After i got out, it was pure misery. I went back tot he room to get monitored again. While waiting to be hooked back up to the monitors, I was sitting on the birthing ball and I felt what seemed like a big bubble bursting. It was my water breaking . So after that the midwives let me know for sure that I was staying. That was around 12-12:30 when they finally admitted me to L&D. But i had to wait in the triage for another hour to get a room with a jacuzzi.
After my water broke, the pain went from 9 to what i would call a 10. I was in agony and in tears. I kept thinking that I made it so far without an epi and if I quit now, I wouldn't be trying. I stuck through it for another 45 mins, and then I tried to walk. I made it about 3 contractions in the hallway and I finally broke down and said," I can't take it anymore!". I told my doula I wanted an epidural. I didn't care about the jacuzzi at that point because there was NO way I was getting in it. I felt like I couldn't even walk anymore. They got me in the room about 15 minutes later and anesthesia came in promptly to give me the epidural.
I think it was a resident or someone learning who came to give me my epi because it was 2 people and one was instructing the other. I was terrified but I didn't say anything. It took her 3 attempts to put in my epidural...and 2 different times they had to numb me. It felt like it was taking an eternity for them to get it in and I actually felt the needle a couple of times. All the while, i'm having excruciating contractions 2 mins apart. I bawled loudly the whole time. I think that was the climax as far as pain goes. Once they finally got it in, I felt relief in 15 mins. That was around 2am. I was finally able to get some sleep!!
The midwife came in, woke me up at 3:15am. She checked me again and i was 8cm and his head was super low! But they also checked my pad and said they thought they saw some meconium in the water and I would not be able to do immediate kangaroo care or delayed cord cutting because he would need to be checked asap.
For an hour after that, I could feel his head moving down and the pressure in my butt. I told her I was ready to push and I was checked again. From 8 to 10cm in an hour!!!
After that, they got everything ready and I pushed for about 15 mins and my beautiful baby boy was born. He screamed like a champ! 6lbs 9oz and 19.5inches. I cried for the third time, but this time it was happy tears. I didn't expect to feel an instant connection, but i did. I couldn't stop smiling.
He checked out perfect from the pediatrician with an apgar score or 9. I finally got to hold him skin to skin after that while they sewed me up (2nd degree tear). He was already on my chest lifting his head and trying to crawl down to my breast to eat. I was impressed lol.
Even though i didn't get everthing i had planned or wanted, i got to try a majority of the pain relief techniques i wanted to (birth ball, walking, jacuzzi) and i would say my overall birthing experience was good. I don't regret anything at all
Here is my baby boy, Dominic. Minutes after being born:
Sunday, February 27, 2011
My Shopping Experience Today :)
This was my first real in-store shopping experience I have had in a long while. Most of my shopping the past couple years has been done behind the computer screen. I did buy some pants in target a few days ago, but i went in with intentions to get/try on a specific thing and just grabbed some extras on sale. Not a real take-your-time enjoy-the-process type experience. Before that, the last time I bought something in the store for myself was buying maternity shirts and pants. And I wasn't exactly going for style when I picked them up either. Plus, I was with my boyfriend and he is hard to shop with. He is like most guys...wants to get in, get what you need, and get out.
This time, it was all about me enjoying myself...all by myself :) I went in to Burlington coat factory with 25 dollars to spend. They were having a huge sale so I was able to get quite a few items with just my 25 bucks. I love what I picked up...but even more, I loved that I had fun! I put on my iPod, cranked the tunes, and just drifted through the aisles. An hour zoomed by and I hadn't even noticed.
This is also one of the very first times I went shopping in a store, and didn't feel completely overwhelmed choosing what to buy. Before, I never really knew what to pick or what was in...or what would even look good on me. Armed with a little knowledge and inspiration I picked up from my new found budget fashion blogs (check out links on the side if interested), I felt so much more comfortable picking up a few tops that I am confident I can make look good!
There were a few items that I looked at, picked up and thought, "hmm, would this really look good on me? Can i really pull this off??". I decided to put those back on the rack and not risk wasting my small budget on something that might be too "risky". I'm hoping one day soon I can learn how to take those risks and not have to pick things that are "safe" or have to refer to a specific celebrity/fashion icon to know what looks good together. That will be my ultimate and final fashion test lol...
I also ordered some shoes online the other day, so when I get those in the mail, I will do my first "haul" video with everything i picked up this past week :)
This time, it was all about me enjoying myself...all by myself :) I went in to Burlington coat factory with 25 dollars to spend. They were having a huge sale so I was able to get quite a few items with just my 25 bucks. I love what I picked up...but even more, I loved that I had fun! I put on my iPod, cranked the tunes, and just drifted through the aisles. An hour zoomed by and I hadn't even noticed.
This is also one of the very first times I went shopping in a store, and didn't feel completely overwhelmed choosing what to buy. Before, I never really knew what to pick or what was in...or what would even look good on me. Armed with a little knowledge and inspiration I picked up from my new found budget fashion blogs (check out links on the side if interested), I felt so much more comfortable picking up a few tops that I am confident I can make look good!
There were a few items that I looked at, picked up and thought, "hmm, would this really look good on me? Can i really pull this off??". I decided to put those back on the rack and not risk wasting my small budget on something that might be too "risky". I'm hoping one day soon I can learn how to take those risks and not have to pick things that are "safe" or have to refer to a specific celebrity/fashion icon to know what looks good together. That will be my ultimate and final fashion test lol...
I also ordered some shoes online the other day, so when I get those in the mail, I will do my first "haul" video with everything i picked up this past week :)
Sunday, February 20, 2011
First post on the path to discovering me!
I have always wanted to start a blog but never really got the guts to because i'm not the best writer or the most interesting person to read about. So the first thing i should say is.... this blog is for me.
I would love to connect with other women maybe going through the same journey of discovering themselves, but i cannot write for anyone but me. This blog is to help me figure out answers to all the questions about my identity that i have struggled with for quite some time now.
There are certain aspects of my life that i would like to define and improve. Those include:
*My Journey to becoming a mom. I am expecting a little boy in 3 weeks and this leap into motherhood is the most important aspect of my life that i would like to define.
*My Journey to finding happiness. I have struggled with depression and anxiety for years now, and i need to find out what puts me on the path to finally being happy with myself and my life.
*My Journey to defining my physical identity. I have never focused on my outer appearance because i was never happy with what was inside. I always threw on whatever and bought what was cheap, never really creating my own style. After my baby is born, i really want to first and foremost work on my health and getting into shape the right way (eating healthy and exercising). I also want to discover my fashion style and create a look for myself that helps define who i am (or who i want to be). I don't have much money so i will be doing all this on a tight budget... but i am ready for the challenge!
Those things are all aspects of my life that i have been wanting to improve, but i haven't made the commitment to until now. There are other aspects of life that i have not even began to figure out yet, like what i want to do for the rest of my life....what do i even like to do:? I am young (20 years old) and have alot of time left (i hope), but i don't want to waste anymore of it walking around in circles and asking myself the same questions. I want to be on a path to sucess and self fufillment. I want to be on my way to being happy.
I don't know if anything i wrote makes sense to the average person, but like i said before...i can only write for me. And i must say, it feels good to write this first post. Like taking the first step up a mountain. I finally feel like i am on a path to something...
I would love to connect with other women maybe going through the same journey of discovering themselves, but i cannot write for anyone but me. This blog is to help me figure out answers to all the questions about my identity that i have struggled with for quite some time now.
There are certain aspects of my life that i would like to define and improve. Those include:
*My Journey to becoming a mom. I am expecting a little boy in 3 weeks and this leap into motherhood is the most important aspect of my life that i would like to define.
*My Journey to finding happiness. I have struggled with depression and anxiety for years now, and i need to find out what puts me on the path to finally being happy with myself and my life.
*My Journey to defining my physical identity. I have never focused on my outer appearance because i was never happy with what was inside. I always threw on whatever and bought what was cheap, never really creating my own style. After my baby is born, i really want to first and foremost work on my health and getting into shape the right way (eating healthy and exercising). I also want to discover my fashion style and create a look for myself that helps define who i am (or who i want to be). I don't have much money so i will be doing all this on a tight budget... but i am ready for the challenge!
Those things are all aspects of my life that i have been wanting to improve, but i haven't made the commitment to until now. There are other aspects of life that i have not even began to figure out yet, like what i want to do for the rest of my life....what do i even like to do:? I am young (20 years old) and have alot of time left (i hope), but i don't want to waste anymore of it walking around in circles and asking myself the same questions. I want to be on a path to sucess and self fufillment. I want to be on my way to being happy.
I don't know if anything i wrote makes sense to the average person, but like i said before...i can only write for me. And i must say, it feels good to write this first post. Like taking the first step up a mountain. I finally feel like i am on a path to something...
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